


The Bullshit Factory

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Black Romance, Blackrom, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-02
Updated: 2013-03-02
Packaged: 2017-12-04 02:43:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/705609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The human had been toying with him for weeks. Karkat expected nothing less, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that it was working.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this kinkmeme prompt: http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39135.html?thread=41997535#cmt41997535

The human had been toying with him for weeks. Karkat expected nothing less, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that it was working. He had never liked himself much, but lately he absolutely despised himself for grudgingly admitting internally that yes, he had a caliginous crush on that cocky, self-absorbed nookwaffle. No matter how much he told himself it was pointless and embarrassing and insane, he still felt a poignant need to both fuck and berate the living daylights out of the human remained.

The worst part was that the human seemed to know, never passing up an opportunity to poke fun at Karkat or start an argument, yet consistently refused to acknowledged the romantic implications.

Karkat seethed. He'd wracked his brain over this far longer than he cared to admit, but still he felt like there wasn't a damn thing he could do. The longer it lasted, the more the situation was entirely in Dave's hands. Not for the first time, Karkat sunk down in front of his husktop, going over his options. As always, “Grit your teeth, ignore the bastard, and get the fuck over him” was at the top of the list. As if he hadn't tried that every godawful minute for the past godawful month.

A conversation blinking in his trollian jerked Karkat away from his thoughts. Well, wasn't like he was doing anything else. With a heavy sigh, he replied.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix  [GA]  began trolling carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  --  
GA: You Haven't Been To The Library For Quite Some Time  
CG: MAYBE BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO DO THERE.  
CG: AND NO ONE THERE EXCEPT A CERTAIN SOMEONE SNOGGING HER HUMAN GIRLFRIEND.  
GA: We Do Not Snog In Heavily-Trafficked Areas  
CG: HALLS COUNT AS HEAVILY-TRAFFICKED.  
CG: THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FOR. MOVING THROUGH. TRAFFICKING.  
GA: Additionally We Are Not The Only Two Who Frequent That Location  
CG: I KNOW THAT.  
CG: HOWEVER, SUCH OTHER OCCUPANTS OF SAID LOCATION ARE NOT EVEN WORTH MENTIONING  
CG: I AM SO UTTERLY BEYOND EVEN JUSTIFYING HIS PRESENCE BY EXPLICITLY ACKNOWLEDGING IT IN MY CONVERSATION  
CG: THE ARROGANT BULGE DOES NOT EVEN MERIT THIS MUCH OF A MENTION OF HIM ON MY PART  
GA: You Feel Caliginously Toward Him  
GA: And This Is Uncomfortable  
CG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, KANAYA.  
CG: EVEN IF I DID HAVE SUCH FEELINGS THEY WOULD BE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IRRELEVANT.  
GA: Why Is That  
CG: I DON'T EVEN THINK HUMANS ARE CAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING NON-FLUSHED QUADRANTS  
GA: I Am Not As Certain Of That Hypothesis  
GA: Rose Has A Demonstrated Interest In Both The Flushed Quadrant And In The Ashen Quadrant  
CG: WHY AM I EVEN ARGUING THIS WITH YOU?  
CG: I AM NOT EVEN CONSIDERING BLACK ROMANCE WITH HIM.  
CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT.  
GA: You Seem To Be Disappointed In Your Lack of Concupescient Relationships  
GA: You Could Attempt To Express Your Feelings To Him  
GA: If They Are Not Reciprocated I Do Not See How He Would Be Any Ruder To You  
GA: Even If He Did Choose To Jest About It  
GA: Which I Do Not Think He Would Do If He Understood The Severity Of The Emotional Impact On You  
CG: WOW SO YOU'RE TELLING ME MY BEST SHOT IS TO FUCKING ADMIT MY DEEP AND OVERWHELMING CALIGINOUS PASSION FOR HIM AND HOPE THAT HE DOESN'T BECOME EVEN MORE OF AN ASS WHEN HE LAUGHS IN MY FACE AND TURNS ME DOWN.  
GA: I Would Not Use Such Melodramatic Phrasing But You Have Captured My Sentiment  
CG: YEAH NO  
CG: I THINK I'M GOING TO GO NOW  
GA: Good Luck  
CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?  
GA: I Wish You The Best Regardless Of The Course Of Action You Settle Upon  
GA: Though I Really Think You Should Consider Bluntness  
CG: BYE.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix  [GA]  --

Karkat closed the tab, frustration stewing in his belly. What a ludicrous suggestion. Kanaya would assume that everyone would be as reasonable as her in such a situation. No, the human absolutely could and would be more of an ass. He'd never let Karkat hear the end of this.

Yet, with a wave of self-hatred, Karkat realized that she had a point. As it stood, he was well on his way to self-inflicted exile. If he was already miserable to the point where he was avoiding most of the meteor so as not to see Dave, did he really have that much more to lose? Sure, the human could get ruder, but the difference between basically insufferable and literally insufferable wasn't much, practically speaking, if Karkat's reaction was going to be the same to either. So in a way, it couldn't really get worse.

On the other hand, he actually had something to gain. He wildly wished Kanaya was right, that Dave might be less of an ass if he realized the effect on Karkat. The human was awful but not actually cruel, Karkat reasoned, despite the cynical voice in his head screaming otherwise. Hope was a stupid thing, but Karkat was running out of options. At least he was well-grounded enough not to consider the possibility of reciprocation. It flitted in the back of his mind, but he reminded himself it was impossible.

He – stupidly, as he realized the moment he sent the first line of text – gritted his teeth and contacted Dave.

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  began trolling turntechGodhead  [TG] \--  
CG: ARE YOU THERE?  
TG: nope  
CG: HOW CLEVER.  
CG: WE NEED TO TALK.  
TG: nah  
TG: dont think so  
CG: I DON'T GIVE A FLIPPING FUCK WHAT YOU THINK  
TG: you realize i can just block you right?  
TG: my fingers getting so dangerously close to doing it  
TG: im trying to resist but its like a goddamn magnet  
TG: me and not giving a shit are irresistibly pulled together  
TG: cant fight the laws of physics  
TG: your flipping fucks cant stand between us  
CG: IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY BLOCKED ME, DUMBASS  
CG: BUT AMONGST YOUR PLETHORA OF QUALITIES RANGING FROM THE EXASPERATING TO THE OUTRIGHT INTOLERABLE IS A HEALTHY DASH OF CURIOSITY  
CG: A CHINK IN YOUR SMUG SUIT OF NOT-GIVING-A-SHIT ARMOR  
TG: my armor has no chinks  
TG; im not like rose who cant fucking drop shit  
TG: im just letting you go on because its hilarious  
TG: since miss mastermind and vampire over here are going on about sburb theory shit and im bored as fuck  
CG: SO YOU'RE STILL TALKING TO ME SOLELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.  
TG: yup  
CG: BULLSHIT.  
TG: I dont think you quite comprehend the depths of boring that im drowning in right now  
CG: I'VE WITNESSED THEIR DISCUSSIONS AND THEY MAY BE A BIT ARCANE, WELL, MORE THAN A BIT, BUT THEY AREN'T AS MIND-NUMBINGLY TERRIBLE AS YOU'RE MAKING THEM OUT TO BE.  
TG: how would you know  
TG: you havent been out here in like a week  
CG: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.  
TG: yeah I do  
CG: YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL I'VE BEEN.  
TG: i know i havent seen you around at all  
CG: YOU'RE KEEPING TRACK OF MY PRESENCE NOW? HOW SWEET.  
CG: AND BY SWEET I MEAN FUCKING CREEPY.  
TG: way to ruin the sarcasm by explaining yourself  
TG: karkles youre disappointing me  
TG: you never used to have any trouble with sarcasm  
CG: WOW THAT WAS ALMOST A COMPLIMENT RIGHT THERE.  
CG: IT'S LOOKING LIKE THE DISAPPOINTMENT IS MUTUAL.  
CG: WHERE HAS YOUR UNRELENTING, WITTY BULLSHIT GONE?  
TG: aww you think im witty  
CG: THAT WAS SARCASM AGAIN, YOU ASS.  
TG: no admit it  
TG: you totally think im witty  
TG: this is your way of flirting with me isnt it  
CG: DID I EVER MENTION HOW UNNATURALLY INFLATED YOUR EGO IS?  
CG: IT'S A SOARING BALLOON STRETCHED FAR BEYOND ITS NORMAL LIMITS, EVERY CUBIC INCH FILLED WITH SOMETHING CONTAINING LESS SUBSTANCE THAN ACTUAL FUCKING AIR.  
TG: i thought you watched enough romantic comedies to avoid cliche  
TG: but youre totally pulling one  
TG: theres the we need to talk line  
TG: and then youre totally not telling me what it actually is while you hit on me with all the subtlety of a ten inch sparkly dildo  
CG: I AM NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU.  
CG: YOU'RE INSUFFERABLE PRICK WHO CONSTANTLY PICKS FIGHTS WITH ME.  
TG: you like it  
CG: NO I FUCKING DON'T.  
TG: karkles has a crush  
CG: THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO TRY TALKING TO YOU.  
TG: because you have the hots for me  
CG: BECAUSE YOU ARE UTTERLY INCAPABLE OF SETTING ASIDE YOUR MASSIVE PROPENSITY FOR BEING A FIRST CLASS BULGE  
TG: *for having a first class bulge  
TG: thats whats really behind this isnt it  
TG: you wanna get your hands on my huge meat truncheon  
CG: YOU'RE DISGUSTING.  
CG: GOOD FUCKING BYE.  
TG: yeah im so right  
CG: THERE YOU GO WITH THE EGO AGAIN.  
TG: ok lets pretend for a minute that im not  
TG: what was this serious business topic of yours then  
CG: I'M NOT TELLING YOU NOW.  
TG: why not  
CG: WOW YOU REALLY HAVE TO ASK THAT?  
TG: if you dont im going to assume im right  
CG: I DON'T CARE.  
CG: YOU'RE COMPLETELY UNREACHABLE BY ACTUAL FACTS.  
TG: what do I have to do to convince you  
CG: HAR HAR.  
CG: MY ESCAPE KEY IS CALLING TO ME, FUCKER.  
TG: youre just as bored as i am so your loss  
TG: you might as well just tell me  
CG: WHEN WILL YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL THAT NO MEANS NO.  
TG: when will you get it through your flipping the fuck out brain that im not dropping this  
CG: DROPPING WHAT, BEING A DICK?  
TG: getting you to confess your undying love for me  
CG: I THINK I'M GOING TO ACTUALLY VOMIT.  
TG: oh yeah talk dirty to me  
CG: YOU ARE A SAD, SICK, LITTLE HUMAN.  
TG: look whos talking shortstack  
CG: WHY DO I EVEN TRY TO CONVERSE WITH YOU?  
TG: why do you keep asking rhetorical questions  
CG: BECAUSE TALKING TO YOU IS SO FRUSTRATING THAT I AM LITERALLY GOING INSANE.  
TG: because your sexual frustration is rotting your brain  
CG: THAT'S BULLSHIT AND ALSO I HATE YOU.  
TG: isnt that the troll word for love?  
CG: YOU ARE THE BIGGEST, VILEST, MOST FESTERING PIECE OF SHIT I HAVE EVER MET.  
TG: love you too  
CG: I'M REALLY GLAD I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU.  
CG: OTHER THAN FIERY PLATONIC HATRED.  
CG: BECAUSE IF I DID THAT SHIT WOULD BE REALLY FUCKING CRUEL.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  ceased trolling turntechGodhead  [TG]  --

Karkat closed the window, tears swelling in the corners of his eyes. He'd managed to accomplish the worst of both worlds: He hadn't actually admitted his feelings, but Dave was teasing him for them anyway. Fucking perfect. The cherry on top of the shit sundae was that the humiliation didn't just sicken Karkat, like it should have, but also made him ache with need. Dave was always in control of the situation and Karkat couldn't get enough of it. He craved it, and hated himself for needing it so badly.

At least Kanaya was still online. It wouldn't be much of a distraction, but if he had to choose between ranting to someone or moping alone in a pile of stupid, horrible feelings, he'd take the former.

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  began trolling grimAuxiliatrix  [GA]  –-  
CG: YOUR ADVICE WAS TERRIBLE.  
GA: I Take It The Conversation Did Not Unfold As You Hoped  
CG: NO, IT UNFOLDED EXACTLY AS I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING EXPECTED.  
CG: HE IS ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE TO DEAL WITH RATIONALLY.  
CG: OR IRRATIONALLY, FOR THAT MATTER.  
CG: HE IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DEAL WITH. PERIOD. NEXT FUCKING TOPIC.  
GA: How Did He React When You Told Him?  
CG: I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING TELL HIM.  
CG: I JUST SAID I NEEDED TO TALK AND THE BULLSHIT FACTORY FIRED RIGHT UP.  
CG: SO I DIDN'T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY IT.  
CG: BUT HE ASSUMES IT, WHICH IS SOMEHOW EVEN FUCKING WORSE.  
CG: AT THIS POINT I REFUSE TO GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION OF CONFIRMING IT.  
GA: Would It Make You Feel Any Better About The Situation To Know That Rose Is Confronting Dave  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN "CONFRONTING"?  
GA: She Is Discussing This Topic With Him  
CG: YOU ARE FLAT-OUT SHITTING ME.  
CG: HE ALREADY FUCKING TOLD HER?  
GA: No She Simply Noticed His Sudden Enthusiasm For A Pesterchum Conversation And Then Its Abrupt Ending  
GA: Therefore She Confronted Him About It As She Correctly Assumed It Might Have Implications  
GA: She Is Quite Perceptive  
CG: OH FUCK NO.  
GA: Why Are You Upset About Her  
GA: Hmm I Do Not Believe Chastise Properly Captures The Current Dynamic Adequately  
GA: He Appears To Be More Flustered Than Apologetic  
CG: OF COURSE HE'S NOT APOLOGETIC.  
CG: THAT WOULD SO TRAGICALLY CONTRADICT HIS CAREFULLY CONSTRUCTED 100% PURE SMARTASS PERSONA.  
CG: OH FUCK ALL OF THIS.  
CG: HE'S MESSAGING ME AGAIN.  
GA: I Believe Rose Has Finished  
CG: FINISHED WHAT EXACTLY?  
CG: YOU'RE BEING FUCKING VAGUE.  
GA: We Are Going To Another Section Of The Library  
GA: I Will Talk To You Later  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?  
\-- grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] has signed off --

This was fucking hopeless. Still, driven by morbid curiosity and, even more so, by self-loathing, Karkat opened the blinking tab with Dave.

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  
TG: so are you gonna tell me yet  
CG: YES, TWO MINUTES HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED MY MIND.  
TG: cool  
CG: OH WAIT NOPE.  
CG: THE ANSWER IS STILL FUCK OFF.  
CG: THAT'S ACTUALLY THE BIG SECRET.  
CG: FUCK OFF. FOREVER.  
CG: ARE WE CLEAR?  
TG: youll miss me  
CG: I'LL MISS YOU LIKE I WOULD MISS A VIOLENT BOUT OF SICKNESS  
TG: if youre breaking up with me dont we get like breakup hate arguing or something  
TG: like one last fling after breaking up  
TG: promise i wont get attached again  
TG: but rose and kanaya peaced out  
TG: i could use some nice hate arguing  
TG: i thought i could count on you for that  
TG: youre my number one hater  
TG: haters are how you know youre doing it right  
TG: theyre jealous of my sicknasty skills  
TG: my ill beats  
TG: my fabulous shades  
TG: my enormous spam porpoise  
TG: youre jealous of my spam porpoise arent you  
TG: you want it all for yourself  
TG: dont you

Karkat pointedly stopped responding. Clearly, Dave could entertain himself just fine. As expected, Dave's responses petered off after a few minutes. Karkat shoved aside his disappointment and the itching desire to respond. He was done with this. Unfortunately, just when Karkat thought Dave had given up, yet another message notification popped up.

TG: dont be sulky like this  
TG: whyre you pouting karkles  
CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE.  
TG: ill shut up if you tell me  
TG: maybe  
TG: no promises  
CG: WHY IS THIS SO GODDAMN IMPORTANT?  
CG: IT WILL LITERALLY NOT CHANGE A SINGLE ATOM IN THE MULTIVERSE.  
CG: SO IT WOULD BE A COMPLETE AND UTTER WASTE OF TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT, MUCH LESS TYPE IT.  
TG: ok so tell me in person  
CG: I AM NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING IN PERSON.  
CG: I AM NOT SEEING YOU IN PERSON.  
CG: THAT IS SO OUTSIDE THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY THAT THERE IS NOT A SINGLE DOOMED TIMELINE IN WHICH I SEE YOU.  
TG: guess itll just have to happen in the real timeline then  
CG: HELL FUCKING NO.  
CG: I AM NOT LEAVING MY ROOM.  
TG: you dont have to

_Knock._


	2. Chapter 2

_Knock._

CG: THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.   
TG: yeah it is   
CG: NO.   
TG: yeah   
CG: NO.

A series of knocks.

TG: if you dont let me in ill start rapping   
TG: I know how much you dig my fly lyrics   
CG: I AM GOING TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM AND PUTTING MY HEADPHONES IN.   
TG: nah youre staying right by the door

Only with Dave could one casual remark feel like a kick in the face, stabbing Karkat's gut with fresh, acute annoyance. First of all, Dave was being a cocky bulge. Far more irksome, though, was the fact that not only was Dave right – Karkat had no intention of actually moving – but that Karkat's heart leaped. For a split second, he read it not like an observation, but as a command. It was an idiotic, fleeting notion, hell, it wasn't even how caliginous feelings were supposed to work. Karkat wasn't supposed to want to obey, not even a little bit, not with that insufferable fuck.

It was pathetic, Karkat reminded himself, biting his lip. If he was going to have this hopeless crush, he should at least feel properly violent. He should be fantasizing about fighting tooth and nail, about blood and bites and bruises. And he did often think about that, but then there was this feeling. This feeling that he was fighting right now as Dave started to knock some quick, irritating rhythm against the door. This whole situation wasn't just going to go away, Karkat realized as he sunk down next to the door, clutching his husktop. Of course, he still had to give making Dave go away one last shot. It was worth an attempt at least.

CG: GO AWAY.   
TG: you gonna let me in   
CG: FUCK NO.   
TG: why not   
CG: I DON'T OWE YOU ANY ANSWERS, YOU ENTITLED JACKASS.   
TG: you dont but youll give them to me anyway   
TG: because youre head over heels in love   
TG: you tumbled over and smacked your head   
TG: doctor help i wiped out on love   
TG: i think i broke something   
TG: i got a severe case of the stupids   
TG: i cant fucking walk straight   
TG: doctor strider says you wont be able to walk straight when hes done with you   
CG: WILL YOU STOP THIS FAKE FLIRTING?   
CG: IT'S GETTING REALLY FUCKING OLD.

A tight feeling was snaking its way around Karkat's throat, each breath more painful than the last. He blinked as his eyes burned, the screen going blurry. Silence hung, both outside the door and in the chat conversation. Each moment gave Karkat another opportunity to struggle to regain his composure, to try to convince himself to walk back across the room. He could just shut down his computer, climb in his recuperacoon, and pass the fuck out. There was a second when he'd almost gathered up enough willpower, but it was shattered by the response.

TG: how do I convince you its real   
TG: all my precious snark has been spread around too much and now you dont respect its authenticity   
CG: IF YOU HAVE ANY SHRED OF DECENCY IN YOUR LUDICROUSLY INDECENT AND HEARTLESS PERSONA   
CG: LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.   
TG: just one thing   
TG: ill admit the chink in my rad suit of shiny not giving a shit armor   
TG: which is an entirely genuine article i might add not the knockoff you suggest   
TG: if i say youve got me legitimately on the curiosity front   
TG: will you tell me   
CG: I WANT YOUR FUCKING WORD YOU'LL LEAVE ME ALONE.   
TG: word   
CG: FUCK OFF.   
TG: hey its a human expression   
TG: stop getting your panties in a bunch   
TG: this is what happens when you wear your pants so high   
TG: you get bunched panties and wedgies and camel toes and whatever the hell else happens with troll dangly bits too constricted by tight clothes   
CG: I WILL GET MY ENTIRELY PRIVATE GENITALIA INTO WHATEVER SORT OF CLOTHING BUNCH I WANT TO.   
TG: still havent told me   
TG: come on just say it   
CG: I LOVE YOU.

Karkat had written it furiously, sarcastically, heatedly, stupidly – no the stupid part was that he had missed the backspace key, that his emotions made him careless and that wasn't backspace, no that was the FUCKING ENTER KEY.

TG: i love you too

The emotional stress of this had been rising, but Karkat had not expected the dam to flatout burst. He slammed his husktop shut and dropped it beside him, hot tears streaming down his face. Dave was kicking him in the fucking gut, at the absolute best he had thought Karkat was joking and was trying to be clever back, but more likely the human was out there laughing and...

But there was no laughter. Dave was trying to say something, but it wasn't until Karkat pulled himself out of his thoughts and stopped sniffling for a moment that he could hear when the human spoke again. 

“Let me in.”

Fresh rage shot through Karkat. The sheer fucking audacity.

“Go the fuck away!” Karkat yelled, slamming a hand against the door, choking out the words before succumbing to a fresh wave of tears.

“Do you seriously still think I'm fucking around with you?”

“Of course you're fucking with me. All you've ever done is fuck with me.”

“Because I like you, dumbass. You're irritating as shit, but in a cute sort of way.”

Karkat's brain screamed that it wasn't fucking possible. It wasn't possible, yet Dave sounded exasperated but surprisingly, well, sincere. Every word out of Dave's mouth was coated in his smartass veneer, but looking past that, the alleged truth appeared remarkably obvious. Dave wasn't just yanking his chain. He was trying to get a reaction, sure, but said reaction entailed more than just mind-numbing levels of annoyance.

“You're being serious.”

“Jegus, don't outright accuse me of that. I have levels of ironic reputation to keep up here.”

“Oh, so I have to lay out the contents of my fucking soul and you still get to play the snarky, emotionally-elusive jerk?”

“Are you going to open this door? Unless you want someone to overhear me yelling about my passionate hatelove for you.”

Karkat pulled himself to his feet but didn't reach out for the doorknob yet. Part of him still couldn't believe it. But, fuck, he could never agree with himself on anything.

“Open the door,” Dave repeated.

Karkat's heart leaped at Dave's firm, calm, and utterly self-assured tone. It prickled him, but he couldn't resist it. He opened the door.

Dave was waiting, leaning against the edge of the door frame, one hand futzing with his iShades. He was clad in his ridiculous-looking knight outfit, cape and all, though at least his dumb hood was down. Unlike Karkat, whose tears were still drying on his cheeks, the human didn't look terribly shook up. Hot shame and irritation coiled in Karkat's belly, furious that this little song-and-dance had left himself so emotionally vulnerable while Dave still had his goddamn coolkid face on. Despite wishing he was fully overtaken by rage, ready to tackle Dave to the ground, Karkat's feelings just warmed him enough to blush and stand there, unsure of what to do.

As Dave closed in, Karkat's heart raced, his mind churning possibilities and doubt and anticipation and need. He opened his mouth, but words didn't come, or they simply didn't come fast enough.

Dave kissed him.

Karkat had always thought it cliché in romcoms, just some exaggerated attempt to nail the emotional impact, but his knees actually did weaken abruptly. Really, wrapping his arms around Dave's neck was for nothing more than to keep his balance. For one glorious instant, Dave's lips were pressed firmly against his own, warm and soft, before the human pulled away a fraction of an inch. The pause – probably less than a second – seemed like far, far too long, but then Dave shifted back in, nose brushing against Karkat's cheek as a second kiss was planted with a touch more fervor.

It was overwhelming and intoxicating and damn it was embarrassing that Karkat had doubted Dave so severely because this was absolutely not insincere. The troll kissed back hungrily, letting his mouth fall open just slightly, and was rewarded by Dave's tongue pressing inside of him.

When Dave pulled back, it should have been a moment for Karkat to catch his breath and steady himself. Instead, with their mouths still so close, the air between them felt electric, every iota of Karkat's flesh tingling. He was blissfully attuned to Dave's hands firmly gripping his waist, to Dave's strong shoulders and smooth neck under his own arms, but he was also acutely aware of what he was lacking. He glanced to Dave's lips with disappointment.

The human caught the yearning look and his expression quirked with amusement. He held out a single finger and began to trace the tiny pout of Karkat's lips.

“Don't bite."

It would have served the fucker right for Karkat to nip at his rosy fingertip, to gnaw on his nail, to sink sharp teeth into the delicate pad of his finger. What a goddamn cocky bastard; all Karkat wanted was another kiss and instead he got this gesture more akin to a shoosh than to a smooch. In spite of that, Karkat found himself listening. He didn't use his teeth. When Dave finished his lazy swishes over Karkat's lips and sunk in between them, the troll even opened his mouth without explicit direction.

Karkat waited for Dave to shove his finger in, but the human seemed to be in no rush, his finger sliding under Karkat's bottom lip and along his teeth in a vaguely unsettling motion. Karkat looked to see Dave's expression and caught a glimmer of amusement. Of course, the fucker was being weird just to try to keep Karkat on his toes. Despite the renewed annoyance of remembering how much Dave had toyed with him and apparently would continue to do so, Karkat couldn't shake the words from his mind: Don't bite.

Dave moved his finger further in, gliding over Karkat's tongue. The whole thing was a little ridiculous, Karkat thought, until he realized that Dave was definitely interested in this in a way that was more than just enjoying Karkat's confusion. While Karkat couldn't see his eyes, the rest of his expression – a hint of color on his cheeks, lips parted, breathing slightly more quickly - indicated that Dave found this suggestive. As soon as he made the connection, Karkat glanced down to the crotch of Dave's pants. Sure enough, there was the outline of an erect bulge beneath the cloth.

Dave added a second finger, gently pushing in and out, and Karkat drew his lips in slightly to help shield Dave's fingers from his teeth. As the movements became less gentle and more like thrusting, a blush crept across Karkat's face. It felt like everything was moving so fast, but then again, characters in romcoms often pailed each other silly immediately after finally admitting their feelings for each other. Karkat was jarred from his ponderings as Dave grabbed his chin with his other hand, with Karkat belatedly realizing he'd had his gaze fixed on the human's crotch.

"You just can't fucking wait to get into my pants, can you?"

Even though it was a rhetorical question, Dave said it with such certainty that a tiny, half-muffled “Kind of” escaped Karkat's mouth as the human withdrew his fingers.

“Yup, all you wanted out of this was my massive spam porpoise,” Dave laughed. “But,” he continued over Karkat's attempt at an angry response, “I want more kisses first, so tough luck, babe."

Snaking a hand into Karkat's hair, Dave pulled him in for another kiss, forcing their lips together over Karkat's complaints – "babe" was an idiotic nickname, and Dave shouldn't flatter himself by thinking his stupid human bulge by itself was particularly enticing. The human was having none of it, and Karkat surrendered to his irresistible lips.

Karkat wrapped his arms around the human's torso. For one terrible moment, the human pulled back a fraction of an inch – certainly just to inflame Karkat but _fuck_ , it worked – before letting the troll dive back into it. One of the Dave's hands found its way into his hair, and he tensed, acutely aware of how easy with would be for that hand to twist and pull, to bring tears to his eyes. Then again, maybe it wouldn't serve just as a mechanism for pain, but as a handle to grab Karkat when his guard was down in the desperation of their kiss and throw him to the floor. The troll squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the inevitable, afraid but needing Dave so much more.

Using his grip to hold Karkat's head steady as for another long kiss before once again moving his lips just out of kissing range, Dave clearly was asserting dominance. But the pain never came. Instead, Dave released his grip on Karkat's hair almost gently, smoothing it out a bit before moving to circle around his waist.

Karkat's heart skipped a beat as it hit him: the fucker was playing him like a violin. Playing him in the cockiest, most unexpected way possible. Instead of relying on straightforward physical exertion, Dave was making his moves more subtly, and Karkat was lapping up every drop of it. He needed more of this, but he was helpless to fight back when Dave was so utterly collected and unassumingly confident.

Karkat was filled with a sudden sense of recklessness and tried to pull away enough to drop to his knees. He succeeded, but Dave caught his wrists before he could reach for his target, leaving the troll to ineffectually dive in face first, mouthing the crotch of the human's pants.

“What do you want?”

“Obviously, I could use a cup of coffee right now,” Karkat replied, pulling back slightly and rolling his eyes. “What the fuck do you think I want, you bulgemuncher?”

“Dude, you're clearly the one who wants to munch bulge right now.”

“See? You just answered your own goddamn question.”

“I want to hear you say it,” Dave replied nonchalantly.

That shouldn't have been embarrassing, yet Karkat's cheeks reddened slightly. Well, he had never done this before, and admitting that he wanted his mouth on Dave's genitals felt rather silly. Not to mention that Karkat really wanted to spit back some witty retort, but he felt compelled to actually answer Dave. God, he _hated_ him, and that thought alone made his own bulge twitch.

“I want to use my mouth on you,” said Karkat, grudgingly.

“Where?”

“On your bulge.”

“It's called a dick, but close enough.”

“Or spam porpoise, apparently,” Karkat sneered.

"Only I get to call it that." Dave let go of Karkat's hair and instead rested his hand on the troll's head.

If he had hoped to get any more direction, Karkat was disappointed; the only signal from the human was a slight nod. Trying not to look nervous or overly excited, he slowly got to his knees, staring at the groin of Dave's pants. He reached out and unzipped the fly, then pulled them down slightly. He fumbled with the soft fabric of the human's briefs to reach in and pull out his cock.

He'd seen pictures of human genitals before, but observing it in the flesh, feeling its warmth and weight in his hand, was an entirely different matter. His stomach twisted as he waited for Dave to make some comment, or force his head forward, but the human didn't seem to be in any rush. It was both surprisingly respectful and infuriatingly nonchalant, leaving the task of moving forward entirely on Karkat.

Hesitantly, he put his mouth over the tip. It was smooth and tasted vaguely salty. He circled his tongue around, flicking against the slit.

“Don't shove your tongue against the hole. Keep moving your tongue like that though; that's good.”

Karkat nodded - which he realized halfway through was awkward to do with Dave's bulge still in his mouth – and swirled his tongue more, avoiding that one spot but coating the rest of the head with his saliva. Dave threaded his fingers through Karkat's hair, and the troll tensed, waiting for firm physical instructions.

“Take your time. I know you must be creaming your troll panties having my dick in your mouth for the first time, but I don't want you rushing."

Rolling his eyes, Karkat inwardly cursed Dave for knowing exactly what he had been about to do. Against his impulse, he made no move to take more of the length into his mouth. He wanted to – he wanted to taste every inch of Dave's cock, to make Dave moan with pleasure, to regain some power here– but Dave had told him not to rush and Karkat was yet again proving himself incapable of disobeying.

Instead, Karkat very gently sucked, rubbing his tongue against the underside, below the slit, as he did so. Dave let out a small, pleased noise and positively patted Karkat's head. It was obnoxiously patronizing for a second until Dave whispered, "Yeah, that's good."

His annoyance banished by the comment, Karkat continued, emboldened. The soft noises of Dave's breathing certainly helped too. Karkat had to pull back briefly to swallow the excess spit pooling in his mouth before enveloping the tip again. He looked up to Dave, and saw the human was watching him. That look, intent and aroused, cool kid veneer there but starting to chip, sent a jolt of heat straight to the troll's crotch.

As if Dave read his mind, the human asked, “Do you want to touch yourself?”

Karkat pulled his mouth away to answer quickly, “Yes.”

“Put your mouth back where it was. You could've just nodded.”

Dave didn't sound angry, just firm, and Karkat flushed and obeyed. Nodding with a dick in his mouth was impractical, but he knew better than to sass back at this point. As Dave's hand ran through his hair again, the troll tried to set the matter aside. Dave was going to play games with him, and he might as well accept that.

Besides, all the game-playing and completely offhand displays of control made Karkat's bulge pulse harder with need.

“On the one hand, I don't want you getting distracted. On the other hand, I'm not gonna lie; I've gotten off more than once thinking about you touching yourself. Contemplating exactly what you do to yourself with your alien anatomy when you're hot and bothered makes a frequent appearance in my spank bank.”

As stupid as the terminology was, Karkat nevertheless felt himself flushing yet again as he was assaulted with the vivid mental image of Dave masturbating.

“I want to know how you touch yourself," Dave said. "So tell me. Yes, you can take your mouth away. Like I said, no rush. It's better when you drag it out.”

Karkat made a quiet noise of protest, but removed his mouth. Dave's hand immediately wrapped around his own shaft, and he ran his hand up and down slowly as he regarded the troll. Karkat suddenly felt very self-conscious, but it was clear what Dave wanted him to do. He slowly unzipped his fly.

“Nah, I changed my mind.” Karkat froze. “I want to see you naked.”

If Karkat had blushed before, his cheeks positively burned now.

Karkat stripped off his shirt, quite aware of how skinny he must look. With a slowness that he told himself wasn't nerves – who was he kidding, it absolutely was – he took off his socks, pants, and finally underwear. He waited for a horribly long moment as Dave's eyes swept up and down his body, before the human closed the difference between them.

Dave wrapped his arms around Karkat's waist and pressed him close. Karkat could feel the human's bulge right above his own, pressed against his stomach like a steel rod.

No words were said, but the fiery kiss Dave pressed to Karkat's lips was more than enough to reassure the troll that Dave wasn't disgusted at the sight of him. Dave wanted him.

Eventually, Dave broke their kiss, and placed his hands on Karkat's shoulders. Without even thinking, the troll dropped to his knees.

“You're getting the hang of this, aren't you?”

Dave looked so cocky that the troll wanted to slap the smile right off of him, but instead settled for sticking his face forward, tongue lapping at Dave's cock.

“Wait.”

Karkat reluctantly paused.

“You're supposed to touch yourself, remember?”

Obediently, he reached for his own bulge but was paused as Dave spoke again.

“Don't just show me; tell me. I want you describe it as you do it, and I want you to spill all your filthy secrets, everything you think about when you do it.”

“I wrap a hand around my bulge and slide two fingers into my nook,” Krakat said as he demonstrated. He stared at the ground determinedly, hoping Dave would at least hold on to some shred of modesty. Of course, the human didn't.

“Look at me. Yeah, I know you're embarrassed, but it's hot.”

“Sadist,” Karkat grumbled.

“A little. Not in the traditional sense, but yeah. So, what'd you think about last time you did this?”

“You.”

“Come on, you can do better than that.” Dave wrapped a hand around himself and started to slowly stroke. The other hand slid down to Karkat's chin to keep the troll's face tilted up at him. “What terrible, dirty things did your alien mind come up with?”

“Sucking you off.”

Dave raised an eyebrow, and as humiliated as he was, Karat felt compelled to answer the silent inquiry.

“I fantasized about you forcing me to suck you off. You pulling my hair and slamming down my throat.”

“I don't need to pull your hair. You're so desperate for me, I don't have to use an ounce of force.”

Karkat glared, but couldn't argue.

“May I...” Karkat's voice trailed off.

“I'm sorry, was that a question? You trailed off there.”

“You know what I want.”

“And you know I'm gonna make you ask for it as explicitly as possible.”

“May I put my mouth back on your meat porpoise?” Karkat asked with a sneer. He shuddered as he gripped himself tighter.

“When you ask so eloquently, Karkles, how can I refuse you?”

Really, being called “Karkles” should have killed Karkat's erection right then and there, but the humiliation just made his heart skip a beat, and he eagerly put his mouth over the head of Dave's cock again. The human hummed appreciatively, and Karkat moved down a little more, taking it in further.

“Yeah, that's good. And don't stop touching yourself.”

Karkat didn't need any encouragement, continuing the motions he'd practiced alone for years, thrusting his fingers into himself while his other hand gave his bulge firm, slow strokes. The hand of Dave's that wasn't curled in the troll's hair wrapped around the base of the human's own cock.

“Move your mouth up slightly.”

Dave stroked himself as Karkat focused his attentions on the tip.

“Wait for me.”

How exactly Dave knew Karkat was getting close, he didn't even wonder. He felt like putty, helpless and molded by Dave, and that fresh wave of arousal and submission was nearly enough to push him over the edge. But he slowed his touch, and refocused on Dave, tongue working quickly.

“You can come,” Dave panted.

And Karkat did, cries muffled by Dave's cock.

“Pull back.”

Karkat did, just as his own orgasm started to fade. Dave released his hair, and held a hand over the head of his cock, groaning as he came, catching the sticky pale fluid in his hands, sparing Karkat's face.

Karkat collapsed back, sitting heavily on the floor. He hadn't realized until just now how much his knees were aching. And Dave -

Dave was sitting down next to him, positioning himself close.

“So, do you think I'm still fucking with you?" Dave asked with a smirk, leaning in to pepper Karkat's neck with kisses.

“I guess not.”


End file.
